By Manic Manda
There's a clear connection, an attachment; but something is missing. Open up. Maybe something will change. He's pushing. He needs more. But he's not respecting my boundaries, my pace even. I'm not sure I can be what's needed. He's trying to help me see more. There's more somehow. But I tried. I tried to change how I feel. I couldn't. I can't. There isn't anything 'more.' And it's not something that can be helped along. It is what it is.
Say it. Get vulnerable. That's true intimacy. Humanity. That's the connection we have here. The honesty. The trust.
I was heard this time. But the communication caused harm, caused hurt. I can't fix this. I'm not the solution here.
So let's go for distraction. I need oblivion. I need release.
Pull out the rope, pull out the ring. I need pain. Wrap the coconut rope around my right ankle, spiral it up my thigh toward my knee. The rope digs in; it's sharp. But I need more. More wraps. Layer a length of jute on top... No, it's not enough tonight. Grab another rope, set up a suspension line, tie off the hanger, slide it through the ring, pull the line, and the pain sets in. Enough pain to stop the monkey mind. Settle into it. Feel the pulsing. My breathing is getting heavier. My fingertips are starting to sweat, I feel a bead run down my spine. Stop the over thinking. Wait. It's stopped. I'm lost. I dropped in.
Now I have room to process how I'm feeling. Not just what I'm thinking.
I feel abandoned. I feel betrayed. I feel lied to. I feel discarded. I feel a little less worthy because I can't be what's needed.
On the other hand, I feel proud. Proud that I could hold to my truth, regardless of the outcome. Be honest and open about it. I'm not bending to please someone in a way I'm truly not capable of. I'm accepting where I'm at, where I stand. Whether I like it or not.
If this situation was compared to play in the community, if my limits and boundaries were pushed like this, this person would be deemed an unsafe play partner. I can't play this game anymore, no.
White flag it.
Make the cut. It'll be deep, it'll hurt, but there will be growth for the both of us, and we will be okay.
Manda, contributing writer for Pussy Magic, is pro-kink and sex positive. After being introduced to Shibari in 2015, she regularly practices rope bondage and has a fierce hunger for pain. Find more about her at our Coven page.