Kissing My Future Child
This past November, someone came to me in a dream that I'm fairly certain was my future child. He was my sun, about 2, with chubby cherub cheeks and light-colored hair, almost blonde. His image is blurry in my mind because for the brief dream he was too close to my face to see him clearly. He held my face and kissed me! Little pecks over and over and over. He was joyful and smiled widely. He had a vibrant and beautiful energy. I had this dream while I was in Los Angeles with Hasnaa Tauhidi, Francheska, and Yeradmi's Supernatural Wellness Retreat, which made the timing of this dream lead to further divine awakening. On the first day of the mini retreat we were asked what we hope to get out of the space. One of the things I asked for was a deeper connection to my womb space. Then I had this dream. It felt so genuine and real, I woke up feeling so happy. I was happy when Hasnaa confirmed how powerful it was over a cup of tea at the end of our weekend. It truly was.
Before this wellness weekend with a large group of wonderfully spirited women, I had my second Reiki session with Shannon of Radical Reiki. She brought a resonant and illuminating past life into my awareness that was causing oversoul trauma in my current life. This unveiling brought me into altered awareness and consciousness. I woke up to parts of myself that I somehow knew were there, just unaware and without acknowledgment. At times I feel urges to explore and research ideas or rituals without knowing the where the motivation stirred. The healing doesn't happen overnight. It had already begun, and here were these experiences to propel me further.
A month prior I was alerted to my solar plexus, which is partly why I scheduled the session with Shannon. I got the "flu." I woke up in the middle of the night throwing up. I purged 4 times within 5 hours. I thought I had food poisoning or that I had drank too much. Strangely synchronistic, although I believe getting sick can "just happen," it was no mistake that my stomach was ill and that I was purging. Not only physically but also energetically. My solar plexus was feeling very weak, almost nonexistent. Shannon told me it was dead. Exhausted. Frail. I knew this, but hearing her say it sent a searing pain to a part of my soul that was feeling very un-empowered. Despite this, I was also beginning to remember who I am. A powerful, passionate woman with a vision to have a vibrant, adventurous life and positive impact on Earth.
The past life that Shannon channeled to me had to do with motherhood. One, I was a doula doing important healing work with women. To my surprise, because I never thought myself capable of that kind of work. Two, I'd had a miscarriage, and was apparently very angry at "God." I felt betrayed. I don't know anything else about that life. I don't know about my upbringing, my relationships, if I tried for children after, if I died alone, or young. I know nothing aside from those two details. I'm not sure it matters. I think it's something I am meant to know for other reasons, such as embracing motherhood in this life, something I had not fathomed seriously before.
I spent a lot of my teens and early 20's being "terrified" of parenthood, childbirth, etc. I didn't understand the beauty of parenthood. I still don't truly know or understand since I'm not a mom yet. As for motherhood, many thoughts I had of it terrified me: The physical pain and the altering of my body, the passing of traits I don't like in myself, imprinting them with negativity and beliefs that don't serve them, being a "bad" mom, the list goes on. I'm sure these fears are common, and I can't help but acknowledge the link between these fears and my soul's experiences.
I've reached a point where I look upon pregnant mothers and images of mothers with their children with a sense of love and awe rather than terror. I feel the joy of that bond in my soul. I can see how the trauma from the past life created the old beliefs and fears within me that I'm not working through, along with struggles in my maternal relationships in my current life from a very young age. None of that aspect has been easy for me. I had not anticipated the changing moment as I grew into a woman getting closer to potential motherhood, and how this would alter the way I perceive these existences and relationships.
In this life I am working on releasing and transmuting the anger so I can accept my strength and power. I also found it ironic that I was connected to so many aspiring doula's this past summer in a class I took with a doula, Tekoa Nikol, based in the Bay Area. The theme of the class was Sacred Sexuality where we unearthed and explored much of our shadow in addition to intense womb work, which I've been called to multiple times. When I told Shannon, she gasped. The patterns and spirals are no mistake. I was led to this very moment of healing across lives and planes to secure this aspect in this life. To open up to my womb, who I felt wasn't even around. These experiences show me further that the healing is real and necessary.
The fact that I had a dream of my future child either the same week or week after that Reiki session was so powerful for me. I don't know if he was my future child, a guardian angel, a past child who's telling me that the present is all working out and going to be okay, or something else... but it felt like my future child. As if he chose me already and is waiting for me and his other parent to meet, or join in union, as I'm not sure if I know them already or not. I smile as I'm writing this because I think that idea is so beautiful. That a child pre-conception could choose and say, "Yes, that is the woman who will be my mother. And that is my other parent. And I'm going to be up here patiently waiting for you two to come together and create me. Whenever we are all ready." I know people can get pregnant "too young" and out of marriage or in an unhealthy partnership, but I never really believe the child is a mistake.
Once in a meditation I saw my parents as I chose them, the moment I chose them. I saw my mom, looking at herself in the mirror, glamorous in her late teens with big hair and red lips. I chose my father first, I saw, because he was younger and didn't know my mother yet. I saw him playing with his ducks. I've never even seen pictures of him playing with ducks, but I saw it in my vision. I was looking down on him and only saw the back of his head. His smooth, light, '70s hair in blue jeans and a t-shirt.
It was quite beautiful to see them in their younger lives, in action, at the very snapshots I had of them when I decided, "Yes, you." I already know what I saw in them that I loved about them. In my mother, I saw glamour, yes, but I also saw a big heart. A queen. In my father, I saw a parent already. I saw a nurturer and a provider. Someone loving and caring, and most of all, peaceful. They both have their flaws, and I am sure I saw those too, but children love parents unconditionally. My father has struggled to find his own inner peace, my mother has struggled to be one with her emotions, and I see where those two come into one for who I am and things I work on within myself.
I look forward to hearing why my child(ren) chose me.
In addition to all of this healing and embracing, I also no longer fear meeting the person who will wash away all of those fears I used to hold onto. In fact, the closer I get to 30, the closer I anticipate that person and get more excited for them. I'm in no rush, trust me. I have so much to do that I am barely tapping into now, halfway to 27. I don't even feel my age.
When the time does come, I know I will be ready, prepared, and excited to kiss my baby sun on the lips with his precious smile, joyful eyes, and tiny hands holding my face.
Samantha Rose is the creatress of Pussy Magic and a writer originally from the Bay Area, CA. She is a poet, lover, and traveler. Find her creative writing and more about her here.